Scratching scar tissue
Reopening old wounds
Prodding them with a questioning finger
I’m curious on whether I still hurt
The same way I did
When I think of you.
i wonder when life will
when my tears will
finally dry out
when my heart will
but i feel blessed because
to hurt is to live
and i’m thankful i’m alive
rest in peace, brother.
Two years ago, on a day like today, I was in the worst place I had ever been my whole life. I just basically stayed in bed the whole day, didn’t eat because what was the point in eating, didn’t speak to anyone, just wallowing in hurt and self pity. It was the most rock bottom I’ve ever been emotionally and I’m scared where I would have been if I hadn’t broken out of it.
But I did break out of it and I promised to myself that I would never neglect myself and allow myself to go down in the dumps that badly again. So fast forward to 2018, I feel like I have gone through a lot of growing up. I have identified my priorities and my weaknesses. I know where I need to improve myself in. I’m in a good place now. Actually, a really good place. 2018 is going to be that year for me. 24 is gonna be that age for me. It’s not about that new me, new year thing. If you want that, cool. But for me it’s more of an improving my 2017 self to a better 2018 myself thing
how to English gah. ⬆⬆⬆
Throughout last year, I have achieved things I didn’t know I could which showed me how strong I actually was. Like, did I really go through that kinda shit and come out fine? Wow. 😦😎👏
So this year, I have set goals and dreams and I’m already working towards them. And all I want is to get stronger and stronger. 💪 Lol I can almost hear Naruto yelling “Dattebayoooo!!” in the background.
Anyway, here’s to a good year, folks. Good luck and have fun! 🌻
brimmed to the top
but with no one to
give it to.
I’m drinking tea while listening to ONE OK ROCK.
It’s also past 3 in the morning. I have an evening shift tomorrow, so I need to sleep.
But you have managed to drag me back to two years ago and I am sad, I feel so sad and heartbroken all over again and is there no way to stop feeling like this I hate what I did to myself I hate what I am still doing to myself.
Today was a long day. Actually, the past few weeks have been quite long.
It all started with a fight with mom on changing workplaces. I was completely fine with where I was earlier as it was closer to home and had a friendly staff but she pushed me into accepting another place I really didn’t like working. As I hated arguing with mom, I gave in to her and uprooted the whole of my past 6 months of 2017, just the way she wanted. I’m a 23 year old with a stable salary but I’m dependent on my mother, still. Not that it bothers me much. Except for instances like these. So anyway, I had to start over all over again, friendly smiles, pleases and thank yous at people I didn’t want to coz sucking up to the staff is the first thing you must do to ensure that you survive there. And doing this is exhausting. Now I’m at my 3rd week (I think) and everything is going as smooth as can be. Also, thankfully, my mother and I have reached some sort of a plataeu phase (?) in the argument about this.
Continue reading ‘Sup? Updates.
When people call from a new number, I usually forget to save it on my phone and spend a few minutes asking who they are are the next time they call, and apologising for not saving it.
When he also called from a new number, I consciously didn’t save it. I wanted myself to treat him as any other person, not as someone I held dear to my heart. I need to teach myself to take him off the shelf of my favourite humans and keep him in some place more distant.
Small steps of letting go.